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How to Deal with Minor Disagreements Between Members

For Use by SexPositive World Members Courtesy Jean Franzblau, Cuddle Sanctuary

Try the O.E.C.A. method for navigating challenging conversations. The method is powerful to use “in person” and can also be effective on the phone. If you want someone to start or stop a behavior, first ask the person to have a talk with you. Then share with them the following:

Observation – Without judging and with a relaxed tone of voice, explain to the person the specific behavior that you observed. Observation is factual: what did you see, hear, taste, touch or smell?


Effect – Let the person know what the effect of the behavior is. This includes the effect on you personally and/or the effect on our community.

Compassion – Say a kind word. Try to see things from their point of review.


Ask – Tell the person what you’d like for them to start or stop doing.



You’re at a Level 2 event about massage technique. You’ve agreed to attend with a new friend in SP. You’ve told your new friend that you want to leave your long sleeve t-shirt for the whole time. Your friend has hinted three times during the event that it would be a good idea if you took off your shirt and wear the tank top that you have underneath. You feel really uncomfortable and that your boundary isn’t being respected. Imagine that you’ve asked your friend to have a talk with you on the phone and your friend says, “Sure.” What do you say now?


Observation _____________________________________________________

Effect __________________________________________________________

Compassion ____________________________________________________

Ask ___________________________________________________________



Recommended reading: The Four Agreements by Don Miguel Ruiz

Video about the OACA method (compliments of Jean Franzblau):

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